How to support a mate

Times can be hard and sometimes, too much. Find out how you can be there for your friends when they need you the most

It won't always be so obvious when your loved ones are struggling. People tend to try to push through it by themselves as they might be embarrassed or struggle to open up about some issues. And even when you do realise something is going on, how do you appropriately (and effectively) be there for them?

What to look for

Life's ins and outs will make us all act differently from time to time, that's why it can be hard to identify when something substantially bad is happening to your mate and if you should step in. Usually, the biggest signifier is time. If this change in behaviour has been going on for several weeks then it's likely your friend isn't handling things well or has been negatively affected by a certain life event (e.g. break up, fired from a job, family troubles, exam, etc). If this is the case then here are the behaviours/habits that might be reoccurring:

Behaviour

• Not getting involved in group activities - isolating themselves
• A dramatic increase or decrease in their sleeping habits
• Not doing as well at uni or work
• Loss of appetite or eating a lot more than usual
• Started taking drugs or consuming more alcohol than usual
• Making illogical decisions

Appearance

• Not washing or cleaning themselves (or their clothes) as much
• Looking tired or depressed (bags under their eyes, not smiling as they use to)
• Dramatic weight loss/gain

Mood

• Stressing out more than usual over everyday issues
• Overreacting and displaying lots of negative emotions (anger, sadness, fear)
• Feeling consistently low with nothing picking them up

Changes in what they say/post online

• Posting or saying negative comments about themselves frequently
• Posting disturbing or dark quotes, songs, videos
• Constantly saying they're feeling under the weather/sick (or expressing physical aliments e.g. headaches, vomiting or cramps)

How to talk to them

Always go in with a plan of what you want to say, be clear, friendly and open to their responses. It might not always be what you want to hear so it's a good idea to prepare yourself for the worst and keep a leveled head.

Where
It's important to have the conversation somewhere in which they feel comfortable. Generally, that means somewhere quiet and private without the chance that someone might walk in. You could also choose a relaxing activity to do such as a walk or a meal around your house. Sometimes it’s easier for the other person to open up when the focus isn’t just on the conversation you’re having.

When
Pick out a time when you know both you and your friend will be free for a good chunk of time. If the conversation gets interrupted midway through, this might leave them feeling confused and interpreting what you say in the wrong way. So don't add extra pressure to the conversation and dedicate enough minutes to what needs to be discussed (this will vary based on the issue). 

It's likely you will have shared your concerns with other people in your friendship group or who you or they live with. Sometimes it's best not to attempt to have the conversation altogether as this can be intimidating or your friend might feel attacked. So find a time when you can have a one-on-one and you will find the conversation easier.

You should also avoid any particularly triggering times and wait to have the conversation when your friend is feeling calm and in a safe space. Speed isn't always necessarily your greatest ally, be patient and the right time will happen.

What
Ask as many open questions as you can, and give them the opportunity to let what they need to out. You of course have to open up the conversation but it's best to share your initial feelings and thoughts without making them feel like you've already come to a conclusion. They will naturally want to share their side and that's when you will really know what's up and how best you can help.

Don't worry if you don't have the answers straight away as there will likely be stuff you couldn't have predicted that is affecting them. It's better to try to relate to their situation (without making it about yourself) as best as you can and ask yourself what you would want in this situation. Your friend will understand then that you trying to sympathise and only want them to feel good. 

At the end of the day, you are just trying to show them they are not alone and that you are there to support them. Don't overcomplicate it by offering solutions, let them tell you what they feel is best and be open to that answer.

Why
Remember to let them know you're having this conversation because you care about them and you only want what's best for them. Be their friend and don't come across as their teacher, carer or parent, they will likely respond better if they feel you are coming across in a genuine honest way.

What to do after

It's important to not make this conversation a one-and-done thing. Show them continued support by checking in with them in a natural way (e.g. don't approach them on a daily basis, at the same time like it's an appointment). Keep suggesting plans that have nothing to do with the issue. Be their friend and do what your friendship group considers normal activities. Even if your friend seems hesitant or declines, it’s important to keep inviting them along so that they continue to feel included.

You can always call us if you need more advice or help on our freephone number - 0800 030 5182. Or for more information check out our well-being page.